I miss you so much. I can't settle these days on any particular thought about you, any particular moment. My mind roams through what I know of your life as if I was watching so many home movies. I keep trying to describe one - what was special about it, what details could allow me to convey what made you perfect to me - to all of us. My mind skips away as soon as I settle on one little piece of magic.
The last few days have been particularly difficult. I don't know if it's the fact that we are in a new year - yet another beginning that you will never share with us. Perhaps it's just the normal cycle of things - O.K. yesterday, devastated today, surviving tomorrow. Daddy seems to be in just as much turmoil, though, so it feels like something changed. I just don't know what.
I haven't been to see you in awhile. Perhaps that is what has changed - it helped me to sit there and just be where you rested. To talk to you, to read what your friends had written and to play you music. It made me feel like there was still a connection. But lately it feels like it makes your absence more palpable to sit there without you, talking to that little slab with your name stamped on it.
I'm sorry. This letter is a sad one. I don't have anything constructive to share. I don't have any new philosophy that would help me to cope with your loss. Right now I just miss you and I want you to come home. I wouldn't even mind if you rubbed your stinky feet on me.
I love you. I wish I would have made better choices. I wish I would have been more patient and made sure you could confide in me. I wish my love would have been strong enough to hold you. You were everything to me, from the moment you were born. I hope that you knew that.
Mommy
