It seems silly to say I've been thinking of you a lot, I'm always thinking of you a lot. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'm talking about you a lot these days. What you meant (and mean) to us, how good you were, and the mistakes that you made that took you away from us.
Last month I shared our story with our community, and as the event neared I was terrified of any potential backlash that might come from it - for your sister, for our family, but mostly for you. I couldn't help but think about the fact that I was about to expose you and all of your choices for criticism, and part of me felt like it was a betrayal.
Before and after, I waited with baited breath for the backlash, for the judgement, for cruel statements about you that I had exposed you to. It never came. And it reminded me again of how wrong I was at every phase of this nightmare to look for judgement. But we do, I think, expect the worst when we are waiting to unveil our darkest secrets.
In this whole story, the worst aftermath was losing you. Everything that came before, everything that might have been in our control, everything that might have saved you, everything we didn't do because we were afraid or just didn't know better... there was no backlash that would have been as bad as your death. And although we did not sit idly by, the more I learn about the resources that would have been available, the more I feel that I failed you by missing them in the first place.
I guess that is the most important message, when I look back at what I would have done differently. I wish we would have been more vocal about needing help. I wish I would have raised my voice to our community because I have learned how much love and kindness and support there is here. I wish I would have risked losing you in order to not have lost you. I wish I would have done more. I'm so sorry, Baby.
I miss you so much. I pray for you every day, that you are safe and happy and at peace. I hope that you know that you are making a difference in the world, even though you aren't here with us.
I love you, Baby Girl.
Love,
Mommy
