Fear

I keep thinking that this loss happened in our family because we can find a way to recover and to make something meaningful out of our experience. That I can use the loss of my daughter, and all of the details about her beautiful spirit, to educate people, to support them. That I can take all of the love in my heart and turn it into a world of love for all of the children in my life.

I go for months feeling strong, like each lesson is a victory, each person touched by my daughter or by me is a sign that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

It doesn't take much to knock me into a spiral of fear. Underneath whatever I am doing to fool myself, I think I'm always waiting for the hammer to drop. And I have to face the fact that I am afraid.

I'm afraid that history will repeat itself. I am afraid of what life holds for my children. I am afraid that my kids won't see how special they are. I am afraid that they will not see what amazing potential they have. I am afraid that a harsh and unforgiving world will squash the wonder and joy out of them. I am afraid of what would happen if these fears came true.

I want my confidence back, the part of me that was OK with the little mistakes, that knew that with all of the love my kids receive they will be alright. I used to believe in the school of hard knocks, now I wish I could protect my kids forever.

I am tired of being afraid. I despise this void that exists in my life, in my heart. I hate how much it makes me realize how much healing I have left to do.

The truth is that I still miss my baby girl every bit as much as I did on day one. The truth is that if I stop pretending, I'm still screaming inside. 

Before all of this, before the saga of addiction took hold in our lives, I was confident and far more laid back. I worried about normal things, I was able to place risk into appropriate buckets.

But, today I found myself asking someone to "make sure that (they) tell me when the sky is not falling. Because my gut always tells me it is".  There is a lot of shame, for me, with being this person who is so ruled by fear. I used to believe I was so strong.

I want to know when this ends. When I cross over into my old stability. When I stop worrying again. Not just for a little while, but maybe for most of the time.