I haven't written in so long. To be honest, it started to feel like I was just repeating myself and I could only imagine what torture that was for anyone who read my words. But I cannot let this day pass without talking to you. To say that we miss you is a gross understatement. We yearn for you to be back with us.
I was going to say that my heart was broken again, but that isn't true. The truth is that there are deep fissures in my heart, and although they may scab over and develop scar tissue they will always eventually crack open again. This is an absolute truth that I imagine will follow me to the end of my days.
This year it began with the holidays. It is always hard to celebrate without you, but this year was harder. I am sure that it has something to do with the fact that your sisters life was launching into new territory and she stands at the threshold of a lifetime of adventures with no limits. Your life, though, is frozen in time to the point that I have to do math in order to remind myself of how old you would have been.
You may be frozen in my mind but I can still hear your laughter if I close my eyes. I can see you spinning and dancing in the kitchen. I can't stop imagining everything that could have been. I can't stop wondering why US? Why couldn't you just ask for help? Why didn't I go in and hug you on that last morning? Why didn't we make you come home? Why did that boy leave you? There are a million of these why's and this makes life so bittersweet.
A friend asked me recently how she will raise her children to make the right choices and to be safe in this world. Is any attempt that I make to answer that question even remotely acceptable? Am I a fraud if I try? Is your sister safe because we taught her better than you? No. She makes her choices because you taught her to be safe. You showed her the worst that reality could bring and she navigates life with those cold truths. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
On the best days, I think of the best of you and that is enough to keep me content with what I had. The me that became on the day that you were born was bigger and better than anything I could have imagined and motherhood has since defined me. Every choice about how to lead my life was inspired by the best choice I could make for my children.
On the worst days, everything reminds me of you. The good things and the bad things and there is nothing that can change that. And although I still make my choices in life in order to be the best mother that I can, I wonder on those days how that can ever be good enough.
I wanted to scream when we visited you today. I sat there cleaning your gravestone while we played the music you loved and I wanted to scream. It's not right. It's not fair. And it's not getting easier to live without you, though I suppose that I have come to accept it. What insanity would it be if I didn't?
I wonder where you are. I hope that you watch over your sister and brother and feel pride and joy in them as we do. I hope that you are singing and dancing. I pray that there is a something and a somewhere and that I will meet you there someday down the road, when we've ridden this life out.
I miss you, Baby Girl. And I love you more than a million red M&M's. More than all the stars in the sky. I hope that you are at peace.
Love,
Mommy
Just Breathe (Pearl Jam) has become our song for our lost baby girl. I wanted to share it today.
