One Month

Baby Girl,

I can't stop thinking about you. I imagine you walking in the door and everything from the past month washing away. I imagine that I hear your voice, your laugh, your step as you walk through the house. I think I will hear you playing with your brother, helping your sister with her homework, complaining about the dog. But I know I will only ever hear you in recordings.

You defined me, your birth was the beginning of my real life and everything after was all that mattered. Your life was huge, you lived it greater than anyone I'd ever known. Even from the very beginning... you sang and laughed and existed more than anyone around you.

I go for short periods of time thinking I might be OK, but in the end I'm not. I don't even know what I feel most of the time, one moment I'm angry, the next I'm thinking of something beautiful about you. There is so much pressure in my chest, my throat, my eyes. If I let it out I might never stop screaming, this has become a real fear for me.

Your death is breaking me, there is no medicine that will sooth the ache, nothing that will make me forget. I don't know how to do this. I can't understand your choices, I can't understand how I could have been so blind and failed you so completely. I can't understand why you never let me help you, although everyone says there is nothing more I could have done.

I can't sleep at night, I lie awake and remember you. I listen to your sister roam the house, I listen to your dad breathing, trying to let his own demons go long enough to rest. Someone told me it takes years to feel better. I can't imagine years of this, and yet, I can't imagine any semblance of our normal.

I make everyone uncomfortable, I can't help it. I can't think about anything else. When I'm out with your brother or sister, people ask me how many children I have. I tell them three before I can catch myself. They ask for the ages and I say my oldest daughter would have been 20 this month. No one really wants to hear that, but I can't help it, I can't keep myself from acknowledging you. You were part of my everything, how does a universe exist if the sun burns out?

I've always been a high-strung mother. I feared incorrectly installed car seats, unsafe sex, and car crashes. I never imagined burying you. I love you too much to let you go. I don't know how to do this. How can I make it better for your sister? How can I reconcile this with the fact that your brother won't remember you? What will I do now?

I only know that I miss you. I always will.

Love,
Mom