4 1/2 Months

Baby Girl,

I miss you so much. I think about you every day. I stare at the pictures that surround our home and my desk and I get lost in your face. I would say that the nights are hardest, but I think it just depends on the moment. I think the nights are the most honest. Everyone else is asleep and I am just left alone with you and horribly without you.

Tonight I am awake because the dogs were barking at some noise and in my sleep fogged mind I thought for a moment that it was you coming home. But the reality is that it's just that you are ever present on my psyche and so I think everything is you.

I finally went through the photos and videos on your SD card today. You had 932 of them. The videos of you singing were the hardest. It was a gift in one sense, but these foraging expeditions always leave me with a heightened sense of loss.

The hall closet is full of photos of you, too. I can't make myself look in there and so I know it's turning into chaos even though all of your "aunties" came and helped me sort through the pictures. I was going to scan them and organize them and put them in books so that I could look at you anytime I want. But I remember almost every story that goes with those pictures and it breaks my heart as much as it heals it.

The garage is the same, I can't go in there. I know that it is complete and utter chaos now, but to go in I have to see your boxes and it's too painful of a reminder. I want you home with me, I want to tuck you in at night and wake up and see you in the morning. I want to make up for everything and love you until your pain goes away. And I want you here so that my pain will go away.

I think your absence finally hit your brother. He screamed for you forever on Sunday. He's been saying you are just at work and you'll come home, but I think his little three year old heart just finally realized that it's just not true. I watched it rip your sisters heart out and I was helpless to do more than watch, and pray that she would be able to hold it together long enough for us all to comfort him.

I go to group therapy now. It's the closest I can get to any formal counseling. There is something to be said for being in a room full of people that can share my pain, that really know what it feels like. It's a horrible grace. I was angry at them the first few times that I went. Most of the folks at those first couple of meetings seemed so "ok" and I hated them for it. I didn't want to be alright, I just wanted to be in a room filled with someone elses pain for awhile. I was ashamed of it, but it was true. I don't know what I want anymore. I think I go because I'm supposed to. I wonder if that is how you felt about your meetings?

I remember you every day. I remember my brave daughter, who was the protector of the small. I remember your strength and courage, and I remember your struggles. I remember how good you were and how blessed you made those around you feel. I will never forget, and I will do my best to honor you every moment that I live

You were an angel in life and I know you continue on that path today. I love you so much, Baby Girl. You are still my miracle, and I would not trade one moment of the blessings you gave me by being in my life for relief from this pain.

Love, Mommy