Late night

Baby Girl, 

I can't stop thinking about you tonight. I'm missing your wild laughter and your amazing presence.

I lost sight of you for awhile, of what you inspire me to do and be. I was missing you so much that I just became angry at the world. I forgot how good it was to speak about you, even when I was doing just that - because it hurt so much to do it, because another set of significant dates passed that I don't yet know how to deal with.

I forgot, a bit, that you have been inspiring me for twenty-two years. My little protector of the small. From the moment you could walk you were defending the meek, you stood up to bullies who were twice your size, you refused to let the world be mean to those who didn't know how to take it, and you created joy in your wake. You embodied everything that was good in how we are supposed to treat the people in the world around us.

You were also an addict. It was awful and tragic, but it didn't change who you were. No matter how troubled, you remained the protector of the small. It's so painful to know that your struggles made you blind to how amazing you were, and had always been. There was a song you recorded just before we lost you. I listen to it when I need to hear your voice, but every time I do it reminds me of how you saw yourself and it breaks my heart all over again.

I'm not sure I can be nearly as good at being the protector of the small as you were. I don't have your confidence, or your natural ability to stand up and be heard just because it's what you need to do. But I'm trying. 

I can't let go of the idea that there is another kid out there who forgot themselves like you did, or is on the path to do so. I can't let go of the idea that someone else's baby is going to pop some pills, do a line, or pick up a needle. And even if they don't die, they will lose themselves like you did. I want so badly to be able to do something about it. What an intimidating task, when I couldn't even save you. Maybe being your mom made me strong enough to do something better than both of us.

I love you, Baby. I carry you in my heart always. I hope that you are at peace.

Always, 

Mommy