Mistakes

I still like to imagine that Elannah Rose performed a super spy maneuver, faked her own death, and disappeared so that she could go live her days unfettered by her past mistakes. The fact that there was no reason for her to do so is irrelevant to this day dream.

She'd be a singer in a somewhat successful band with regular gigs and hopefully some good tours. Not so successful that her fame created more problems or drew attention to her true identity, just successful enough to enjoy life and not worry about the future. Probably, and unfortunately, still smoking cigarettes in the alley between sets. Loved by someone who wishes she would stop smoking, cherishes her quirkiness, and is as fun as she is.

This day dream became more elaborate when I realized that if I pretended that there was an issue of mistaken identity it didn't work, because if it was just a mistake she would have come home. Unfortunately, she has to be in hiding.

I like to play this game, although as I write this I think that it probably makes me sound crazy. It makes me happy to think that her life would have turned out happy, in some alternate universe where she was still here with us. Someday maybe I'll write the story of her alternate universe life, and in it I'll cherish every moment.

Maybe in an alternate universe she doesn't have to be in hiding. She'd be irritated that Noah is already taller than her. Proud of her sister for her amazing athleticism, and I like to think they'd be the best of friends by now. She would love Cassie, she always wanted a big dog. She'd be arriving this week for Thanksgiving and I'd be trying to figure out how we're going to fit everyone in the house but so pleased to have the family together again.

Her mistakes took this away from me. I'm still pissed at her for that, but mostly, I just miss her and the life she could have had. And, of course, how do you hold someones mistakes against them? It's just unfair that my biggest "mistake" resulted in her life and her biggest mistake took it away.

Maybe I'm just in a mood. Maybe it's the holiday season, which is notoriously difficult for so many. I feel haunted tonight, by everything that could have happened differently. By peppermint mocha's, and pudgy little feet, and un-punishable little girls who think a time-out is funny, tightly curled hair, and tinkly laughter, and beautiful voices that seem too big for the person they came out of. By life altering choices. By the success of her friends, and still, by the blurry memory of the person who chose to leave her to die alone.

I wish I could take an eraser to that piece of history. Since I can't, I'll just close my eyes for a bit and play pretend.