Anniversaries

Baby Girl,

I haven't been on speaking terms with you for the last couple of months. I'm so heartbroken by what you've done that I haven't been able to think of anything nice to say to you. How could you leave us? How could you do this to your sister? I have to see what she's going through, I have to be here and help her pick up the pieces... you left us! There is a part of me that just thinks you are such an asshole! You seriously screwed all of us up and it was so damn selfish.

But it's just because I miss you so much. You have left such a huge hole in all of our hearts and lives and I don't know what to do with it.

Life goes on. It's been close to a year since you left us and I am still broken. I won't exaggerate it. I have days where I am OK .. I have moments where I'm great... but every one of those moments is eventually tainted by the fact that you are not there to celebrate it with us.

What's changed in the past year? I don't feel guilty for thinking you're a jack-ass. Because you are, you put your immediate desires above your health and safety and it cost you your life, and it cost us you. If you were here I would punch you in the face for being such a jerk. I am not in the mood to paint a pretty little picture and talk about how much pain you were in and continue to try to understand and put your feelings first. You were a selfish jerk when you put that needle in your vein and you ditched us.

It doesn't diminish the fact that I love and adore you and my arms ache to hold you.

I have been sorting through pictures again so that I could get them scanned, in books, and out of the hidden corners that I am so horrified to stumble upon on a daily basis. I still can't go in the garage. I can't open the hallway cupboard, I can't go into my top left dresser drawer.... The little nooks that I stashed your things in to deal with on another day have started to haunt me. I've forgotten where all of them are and I am startled every time I stumble across something. They are traps and I keep getting caught up in them.

And now, in the month that has not one, but two anniversary dates of your passing (the Jewish calendar anniversary and the regular one), I am overwhelmed by the significance of actually making it to these dates. I didn't actually think that I would. It's not that I planned to do anything, I'm not remotely there... I just couldn't imagine living this long without you. And here we are, performing all that is expected of us, stepping through the nightmare of yet another cycle of ceremonies.

And our hearts are still broken. And our arms ache to hold you, and so we hold each other tighter and pray that we can continue to pick up the pieces and figure out how to be OK without you, and to stop feeling guilty about it when we feel like we might be.

I love you, Baby Girl. As much as I hate that you are gone, I hope that you are at peace and singing. I hope that you look down and watch your sister play lacrosse with pride because she puts her all into it, and she wants you to know. I hope that you watch your brother and laugh at his escapades. I hope that you can forgive me for my anger, and that I can forgive you for leaving us.

Forever,
Mommy

Magical Princess